Where's the Magic Button?

I'm looking for a magic button. I know it's out there somewhere. If I just search hard enough and do more work on myself, I'll find that magic button that I can push and suddenly...

Wait, let's back up a minute.

I woke up yesterday with a feeling of doom, overwhelm and, let's face it, more than a little bit of self-pity. While my husband slept soundly next to me, a jumble of thoughts were tumbling around in my head. I'm no stranger to that nasty little voice in my head, but it must have been on steroids or something yesterday, because it was LOUD. And it was screaming about how I can't seem to create success around my weight and my career.

I've been feeling fatter than usual these past several weeks, starting eight weeks ago in Israel. I don't have a scale here, so I don't know how much weight I've gained in the last couple of months, but I know I've gained some weight. And with all the rich tasty foods we've been eating on this trip, that's not a surprise. Nor is it the point of the loud screaming in my head. My weight is something that I have been dealing with for as long as I can remember, and I've had my share of victories and defeats. I've armed myself with knowledge and support, worked with nutritionists, therapists and coaches. I know exactly what it takes to be successful at losing weight and maintaining the loss. And yet something is stopping me from creating that success for myself. And *that* is what the voice in my head is angry about. As I read stories on Facebook of friends who are achieving great successes with weight loss, the voice demands to know why it is that they can do it, but I CAN'T.

As you probably know, I'm in the process of building up my coaching business. In fact, I paid $2,000 to be in a program that's meant to jump-start the process. So far I'm struggling through the program and bumping up against a lot of walls as I do. Who will I work with? What will I offer them? What's my compelling story that lets them know I've been where they are and made it through to success? Do I even *have* one? What's going to make this business building experience different from the last business that I started and failed to build to success? And while I struggle to find my path to confidence and success, I watch my classmates and other people I know achieving all manner of successes in their own coaching businesses. They publish articles, they give interviews, they find clients, they ink book deals, they create partnerships. And that little voice once again wants to know why they can do it, but I CAN'T.

See, this would all be so much simpler to explain if I were stupid or incapable. But I'm not. Not even close. Here I am, an intelligent, educated woman with countless gifts, talents and resources, and I can't seem to get out of my own way long enough to allow myself to succeed in these two areas. And the voice wants to know WHY.

There's a part of me that knows that I need to be going through all this to get to the success that's waiting for me on the other side. That I'm exactly where I need to be, and this is all part of the process.

But I'm so tired of this weight on my shoulders. So tired of feeling like a giant failure when it comes to this, of feeling like I'm not living up to my potential. So tired of letting this interfere with the amazing, blessed life that I am living. So tired of wondering if I'm even qualified to *be* a coach with so much crap floating around in my head. So tired of hearing myself whining about the same things over and over again (aren't you?).

And that's why I'm looking for a magic button. A button that I can push and suddenly I'll be motivated and willing to do what it takes to succeed. I'll know that it's possible and I'll let myself do it. And I'll be happy and at peace.

Now if I could just find that damned button...


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