I finally took down all the holiday cards from the mantel, including the card I gave Donovan and the card he gave me. I came into the bedroom and put the card he gave me on my nightstand and handed him the card I gave him. I don't even remember how the topic came up, but he said something along the lines of "I throw all cards away." What?!? Even the cards I've given you?!? Yep. All cards.
So. Now. Enter the emotional, irrational me. I am horribly appalled at the thought of every card I've ever given Donovan being gone. Never to be seen again. Never to be shown to our kids, to our grand-kids. Never to be read by us together on our Xth anniversary. It hurts me to no end to think that my husband doesn't care enough to keep the cards that I painstakingly pick for him and write sweet messages in. I am hurt, I am sad, I am devastated at the irreparability of the situation. I say that this makes me not want to give him cards anymore, if this is how he treats them. Doesn't it matter to him at all???
And he's sitting there looking at me like I'm insane.
Completely has no idea why I'm so upset and making such a big deal out of nothing. And really, he just wants to go to bed.
But no, now we need to have a long and drawn out conversation about why I'm so upset by this. And mind you, the more it feels like he doesn't understand my point of view, the more upset I get.
From his point of view: He loves the cards that I give him. They matter to him. He reads them, enjoys them, basks in the love they contain, and then...gets rid of them (occasionally taking a picture for posterity) so as not to create more clutter in our home. Totally logical.
From my point of view: Special cards from special people are something sacred to be kept. They are a timeline of sorts. They represent something. They matter to me. I don't keep all cards ever given to me, but I do keep ones that are special to me, and have for as long as I can remember.
The lesson I learned (and I imagine it's a lesson I will learn over and over again as a married woman): We are two different people with two different points of view, and both are okay. He had no idea that I had this expectation that he would keep the cards I gave him. He knew that cards are important to me, which is why he spends time and effort picking out great cards to give me. I had no idea that he was getting rid of all the cards I gave him, or I might have requested that he not.
See, my husband is not a cold, uncaring person who simply throws away symbols of my love. He is the man who painted our names in a heart on our floorboards so that they would always be there under our bed to represent our love.
So now we have a new arrangement. When I give him a card, he will read it, enjoy it, bask in the love it contains, and then give it back to me so I can keep it for posterity. :)
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1 comment:
I love the compromise. You know, it's interesting. I also keep all the cards ever given to me. I have letters Safta left in my cardboard mailbox when I was ten. I have the letters my boyfriend's brother's girlfriend sent me when I was in the army (don't ask). But I feel a lot less sentimental about cards I give to people. Once I gave them the message, I suppose I don't necessarily feel the need to keep it myself....
On the other hand (the above being the first hand), I did enjoy Aba emailing me copies of a lot of the cards I'd given him over the years. So... while I didn't expect it, receiving those cards was a nice surprise.
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