All Good Things...

...Must Come to an End.

Our time in France is almost over...we fly home to San Diego on Monday.

I can't believe we've been away from home for over nine weeks already, and that we've been here in Villefranche for almost eight of those! It has been an *AMAZING* adventure, and as it winds down the feelings are bittersweet. On one hand, I'm super excited to be going home. Home to our comfy bed, home to our friends, home to good sushi, home to our dryer (seriously!), home to our cars, home to awesome San Diego. And on the other hand, I'm sad to be leaving this beautiful place we've called home these last two months. The picturesque views, the cruise ships in our harbor, the three-day weekends of adventure and fun, the fresh bread, the buses and trains, the freedom from our "things-we-have-to-do" syndrome.

We have both learned so much about ourselves and each other this trip. What we like, what we don't like, what we'd do differently the next time. And really, that was the whole point of this adventure. To go out there and do this thing we've said we wanted to do for so long, see what it's like, and see if we'd want to do it again (yes!!).

Probably the biggest lesson I learned about myself is that it's really important for me to speak the language of the place I'm living in. Not just so I can have bare-minimum-to-get-by communication, but so that I can actually socialize with people! I am a social creature by nature, and to not be able to just shoot the shit with people was really missing for me.

Almost as big a lesson is realizing that small-town living is not for me. My whole life I've really only ever lived in suburbia, first in Silicon Valley, and then in San Diego. Villefranche sur Mer (which is not necessarily as small-town as you can get, I grant you), though quaint and gorgeous, just doesn't have enough life to it. This was never more apparent to me than after we spent a few days in bustling, amazing London. So maybe next time we'll have to try big city living (I vote for London!), though I imagine I'd get tired of that as well.

All in all, this has been the adventure of a lifetime, and I am SO VERY THANKFUL that all the pieces came together so that we could do it! We are so very blessed!!

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Where's the Magic Button?

I'm looking for a magic button. I know it's out there somewhere. If I just search hard enough and do more work on myself, I'll find that magic button that I can push and suddenly...

Wait, let's back up a minute.

I woke up yesterday with a feeling of doom, overwhelm and, let's face it, more than a little bit of self-pity. While my husband slept soundly next to me, a jumble of thoughts were tumbling around in my head. I'm no stranger to that nasty little voice in my head, but it must have been on steroids or something yesterday, because it was LOUD. And it was screaming about how I can't seem to create success around my weight and my career.

I've been feeling fatter than usual these past several weeks, starting eight weeks ago in Israel. I don't have a scale here, so I don't know how much weight I've gained in the last couple of months, but I know I've gained some weight. And with all the rich tasty foods we've been eating on this trip, that's not a surprise. Nor is it the point of the loud screaming in my head. My weight is something that I have been dealing with for as long as I can remember, and I've had my share of victories and defeats. I've armed myself with knowledge and support, worked with nutritionists, therapists and coaches. I know exactly what it takes to be successful at losing weight and maintaining the loss. And yet something is stopping me from creating that success for myself. And *that* is what the voice in my head is angry about. As I read stories on Facebook of friends who are achieving great successes with weight loss, the voice demands to know why it is that they can do it, but I CAN'T.

As you probably know, I'm in the process of building up my coaching business. In fact, I paid $2,000 to be in a program that's meant to jump-start the process. So far I'm struggling through the program and bumping up against a lot of walls as I do. Who will I work with? What will I offer them? What's my compelling story that lets them know I've been where they are and made it through to success? Do I even *have* one? What's going to make this business building experience different from the last business that I started and failed to build to success? And while I struggle to find my path to confidence and success, I watch my classmates and other people I know achieving all manner of successes in their own coaching businesses. They publish articles, they give interviews, they find clients, they ink book deals, they create partnerships. And that little voice once again wants to know why they can do it, but I CAN'T.

See, this would all be so much simpler to explain if I were stupid or incapable. But I'm not. Not even close. Here I am, an intelligent, educated woman with countless gifts, talents and resources, and I can't seem to get out of my own way long enough to allow myself to succeed in these two areas. And the voice wants to know WHY.

There's a part of me that knows that I need to be going through all this to get to the success that's waiting for me on the other side. That I'm exactly where I need to be, and this is all part of the process.

But I'm so tired of this weight on my shoulders. So tired of feeling like a giant failure when it comes to this, of feeling like I'm not living up to my potential. So tired of letting this interfere with the amazing, blessed life that I am living. So tired of wondering if I'm even qualified to *be* a coach with so much crap floating around in my head. So tired of hearing myself whining about the same things over and over again (aren't you?).

And that's why I'm looking for a magic button. A button that I can push and suddenly I'll be motivated and willing to do what it takes to succeed. I'll know that it's possible and I'll let myself do it. And I'll be happy and at peace.

Now if I could just find that damned button...


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Too Much?

A couple of months before we came to France, I had an opportunity to sign up for a course that would jump-start my coaching business and really help me focus on my target audience. It was definitely something I was interested in, but it was scheduled to start in mid-September, and I wasn't sure whether I wanted to take on something fairly work intensive while we were out of the country. I eventually chose to sign up for the course and figured that I'd make it work. For the first three weeks of the course I was doing okay. Then came London, Italy and my parents' visit, and I found myself falling behind. Mind you, I'm clear that it's because of choices that I made. I chose to spend all my time in London and Italy seeing the sights instead of working on my homework, and I chose to spend some quality time with my parents while they were here, and I chose to sort through pictures from our trips and post them on Facebook.

What else did I choose to do? I chose to sign up for not one, but *two* writing courses that both started this past week. I'm feeling a strong pull toward writing lately, and I want to cultivate that. Both writing courses strongly recommend daily writing, and one of them has assignments. I want to take full advantage of what both of these courses have to offer, and at the same time I need to remember that I made a much larger investment in and commitment to the building-my-coaching-business program.

So I have to ask myself, "Have I taken on too much?" 

The reality here in France is that I'm only spending four days a week doing "work"-type stuff. Friday through Sunday are our explore-the-area-and-have-adventures days. Another reality is that I'm having trouble focusing on the coaching business program because it's "hard" and I have to make some big decisions about which direction I'm going to go in. In other words, my inner three-year-old is screaming "I don't wanna!" and I'm indulging her by spending my time doing pretty much anything else.

So no, I haven't actually taken on too much. It's completely within the realm of reason for me to invest appropriate amounts of time in all three of these programs. I just need to put my big-girl panties on and stop making it so hard for myself. Simple, right? We'll see...

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Homesick

 

I think I'm homesick.
 
Tomorrow is seven weeks that we've been traveling, and I'm starting to feel the pull of San Diego and home. Don't get me wrong, this trip has been ridiculously amazing so far! Spending ten days in Israel hanging out with family and traveling around was so much fun, and we have had so many fabulous experiences and adventures living on the French Riviera for the last five weeks! Still, there are some things that I definitely miss. Like English.

Last week we went to London for a few days, and being in a country where everyone understood me and I understood everyone was a huge relief. And though I knew that I was struggling with the language barrier here in France (the last time I studied French I was in fifth grade), I'm not sure I realized how much it was affecting me. After London we were back in France for a day, and then we went to Italy for three days. I *love* the sound of Italian, so it was fun even though I have even less of an understanding of Italian than I do of French (though we found that you can get by with Spanish sometimes). Being back in France after a week of being around other languages, I actually found myself thinking that the French I heard being spoken around me sounded ugly. I know, I know...that's a horrible thing to say! And yet, there it is.

Three months before we came here, I had every intention of going through all 90 Pimsleur French lessons that we had, so that I would have a much better grasp on the language by the time we got here. I got through about 16 of them, and that was it. So I'm definitely responsible for the experience I'm having here, and now I know that I would do it differently the next time. When we first got here I felt really stymied by the fact that I couldn't communicate with people. After a while I started getting more comfortable with it, and now I think I've regressed. Or given up. I almost don't even want to make the effort to try to speak French, and just go straight for the English. I've become *that* person!

Language aside, I also miss hanging out with our amazing friends in San Diego! It was really fun to get to see my best friend Sheri in London last week, and I miss all the going out for lunches and dinners with our friends that we do when we're home. I miss hugging my friends, too (I'm a hugger)!

And as great as our apartment is here, I miss our super-awesome newly remodeled home in San Diego!! I miss our amazing new kitchen, our fabulous bed, our giant project-on-the-wall tv screen...I even miss our silly cat, Franz!

Still, we're here for almost three more weeks, and I don't want to spend it longing for home instead of experiencing all there still is to experience here. So...I am committed to having an amazing remainder of our trip here in France! Hold me to that, okay?

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