For the last 37 years, I have known myself as Iris Wilnai. When I was with Brian, and we would talk about getting married, I was very unsure about whether I wanted to change my name. I was clear that so much of who I am was tied to being a Wilnai. I'm not sure when my perspective on this topic shifted, but somewhere between ending my relationship with Brian and marrying Donovan, I found peace with changing my name. At the very least, I found peace with the idea of it. Being called Mrs. Meyers or Iris Meyers still freaks me out right now, and I assume that it'll take some time to get used to that.
So what shifted? For one thing, the Meyers family has been nothing but amazing to me from day one, and being a member of their family makes me very happy. More importantly, I realize that I will always be a Wilnai, no matter what name the world knows me by. The Wilnai family is my family of origin, and changing my name doesn't change that. Nor does it change my genetics, or who I am as a person.
When we have kids, their last name is going to be Meyers and they will have ties to both families. Genetically they will be a mix of Meyers and Wilnai (please God, let them not get the big giant head!!), and we will help to shape and mold who they become as people, just like my parents did for me.
Being a Wilnai is in my blood, and that will never change. Now I get to create myself as Iris Meyers, and Donovan and I get to create our own offshoot of the Meyers family! And the cycle goes on and on...
4 comments:
Baby, it means a lot to me that you took my name (and you also know that I would have supported you in keeping your name if you'd wanted).
Something you didn't mention that I found interesting is that you didn't keep Wilnai as your middle name. So you actually don't have Wilnai anywhere in your name. Not that that means anything about whether you're a Wilnai, of course! If I recall what you explained to me, you never had a middle name and don't want one.
By any other name, I love you just the same!
You know, I started to write about the whole hyphenation phenomenon, and how I'm not a fan of it, and then I took it out. Basically, with the whole name thing (and this is just *my* opinion!), I'm of the "do or do not, there is no try" school of thought. Either keep your own name, or take your partner's name. Don't know why I feel that way, but I do!
Adding my own two bits to your romantic conversation above, I don't know if I ever told you my perspective of this as a happy divorcee. I find it very symbolic that I not only did not want to take my ex's name, but in the end made him change his last name and still kept my own name in the horrible hyphenation ordeal (you're so lucky you didn't do that -- nobody ever knows who you are anymore, a wilnai? a tzoore? a wilnai-tzoore? a tzoore-wilnai? or perhaps no hyphen at all?) I did keep the horrible hyphenated name after the divorce, though -- because I want to have the same last name as the kids. So as a Wilnai, I whole-heartedly support you being a Meyers now, and surprisingly, or maybe not surprisingly, I will still keep you as my number one most beloved woman cousin over the age of thirty on the Wilnai side.
I knew of one straight couple who kept their last names, then had two kids: one got the woman's last name, and the other got the man's. That's doing a bit too much, I think.
I prefer having one family name. It's much better than hyphenation. But there's no easy way to do it. Tradition says the woman changes. Then there are some men who change. Then there are couples who create their own new last name.
It's all crazy!
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