It's been the plan for a few weeks now, and I talked to him about it yesterday when I was over there. I let him know that it was supposed to rain today, so he should figure out indoor stuff to do. When I arrived this morning to pick him up, he let me know that he wanted to go to a place where you can pitch baseballs and then have your pitching speed measured by a radar gun. Sort of the opposite of batting cages, of which there are many in the area. We spent some time doing Google searches to try and find something like what he was looking for. I called a few sports-type places to see if they had any ideas, and none of them had heard of anything like that. I asked my nephew if there was something else he'd like to do, and made some suggestions. All of them were met with "No." He was pretty set on the baseball pitching idea. My brother and his wife weren't home, and I asked my oldest nephew (the one whose Bar Mitzvah party is today) to talk to his brother. Nothing useful came out of that. The 11-year-old started playing video games on the computer, and said that that was what he wanted to do.
Through all the transformational work that I've done, I've come to the understanding that it's not a question of whether you're going to mess up your kids, it's a question of when. You could be the best parent in the world, with the best intentions, and something will happen that your child will make mean something about themselves, and there's not a whole lot you can do to prevent that. This child is not my own child, and I know that I can still inadvertently damage his self-esteem. We've had issues in the past, he and I, because I wouldn't take him on his special day due to behavioral issues. So I already feel like the relationship is tenuous. I really wanted him to understand that this day was his, that I was there to be with him, and that he had a choice to make.
I tried to get him to stop playing his video game long enough for me to have a conversation with him, but he wasn't having it. So while he was playing, I told him that I loved him, that I was there to spend the day with him, that I wasn't going to force him to do anything, and that he could choose to play computer games, or go have a fun day with me. He said he wanted to play computer games. At this point I had been there for close to an hour, and I was pretty done with the whole thing. My niece and younger nephew were gung-ho to go to the nearby Jewish deli and get lunch, so after another round of questions to the 11-year-old, I took the two others, and we went to lunch. We brought food back for the 11-year-old and the Bar Mitzvah boy, and after hanging around for a few more minutes, I left.
I don't quite have peace around this whole thing. I am happy that I kept my cool and didn't yell or threaten or even really get upset. And I'm wondering if there was a better way that I could have handled it, a way that I could have broken through his wall and gotten in.
I'm now left with the question of where to go from here. Since we were having a shorter day, I told him that this would be part one, and that we would do part two another time. Should I try this again with him in the near future? How many times do I put myself (and him) through this? Will it be different the next time? I have no clue...
Photo Source
2 comments:
My disclaimer: this is not criticism. I think you handled the situation very well and did your absolute best under a disappointing situation. This is more of an idea for the future (and I think it's a very hard idea to execute). I was wondering if you could have taken playing the video game as your fun activity for the day. I believe that sometimes just being there for the kids is enough, being willing to go with what they want or say they want. I'm wondering if by just sitting next to him and saying, "well, my purpose was to spend time with you, so I guess I'll just sit with you while you play," you would have given him the attention and the love which you wanted to give him anyways. I find that a lot of times I have my own agenda which interferes with what I really want: which is not my agenda at all, but being with the kids in love and happiness and calm.
I love how thoughtful you are about your relationship with your niece and nephews, by the way. And, I never told you this, I think, but I started doing your fun day with my eldest niece too. You inspired me, and this year was the second time we've done it and it is so much fun! So thanks for the idea!
Post a Comment